Baba
A set of poems I wrote for my baba in his final few weeks and beyond …
The 8th of May 1995 – Sunday – the day after a training program where I overwhelmingly decided to NOT keep him bound to me and to not use his smile as my only reason for existence. Actually the reality of what I was doing started seeping in when on the 15th of April, at his 88th birthday celebration I noticed him extremely frail and weak and feared that he wouldn’t be with us too long, I started actually wondering whether I had a life without him … and then jerking back to reality realized how unfair I was being to him, to myself and to everyone who was dear to me ….
Releasing my father …
Lonely tonight with my father’s soul
For only his blessings have kept me whole
For only his life has shaped my role
What’ll I do without his smile as my only goal?
That smile that urged me to impossible heights
That smile that won me such innumerable fights
That smile that must now be only one of my delights
That smile I now release to be free from my frights!
My father you created me but now I’m my own
I won’t wrong you now by being just your clone
But you’ll live in my heart by the seeds you have sown
You won’t be my crutch and yet I’ll never be alone!
For now I shall live lit by your purest love
For even if you leave your love’ll bind me like a glove
For you’ll still inspire me but now as gently as a dove
Forever you shall smile on me from the heavens above!
….
Actually two hours later mom called to say he’s become very unwell and cant breathe and he’s being hospitalized …
The 10th of may and he was in the ICU – very unwell – and we didn’t know if he would actually ever leave the ICU … It was maddening to have to bid him farewell … but I had to …
Farewell Father …
All his sons and lovers pay homage to the man,
The one who believed that he always can,
To help him to begin another journey anew,
For of all of God’s truths this is the one most true!
That we strive and we build a shining land of glory,
But ever so often we must begin a new story,
For even loved one’s who’ve tied strings to our heart,
Must not be allowed to deter a brand new start …
And this also helps who we love to ultimately grow,
Love can also be a shackle that our future could slow,
So depart most beloved go in peace to new life
You’ll live forever in the souls of your children and your wife!
…
I also spoke to him once with Ma there … I told him that he’d been a wonderful father and had always been there for us and had left behind a saga that we’d be proud of for generations … I told him that we’d love to have him with us but ONLY if HE wanted to be there … I told him that if he did then he should tell all his illnesses to go away and they would. But if he didn’t want to then it was ok. I also told him we’d look after Ma as well as he did …. Baba had been unresponsive but he suddenly opened his eyes and lifted his hand and held mine …
He actually improved a bit, left the ICU and we moved him to a room in the hospital and Ma spent some time with him and then …. on the 21st of May …. he finally felt too tired to continue … he passed away! I was in Delhi and going to Bombay to see him one final time was …. was impossibly heart wrenching … but I kept thinking of him and what he would have wanted us to do …
A son to a sun!
Duty must transcend pain
Only then are we human
Even amidst this tragic rain
We must be men and women
Yes I’ll never see him again
And he’ll now be only in my heart
But I’ll somehow carry on the train
To exemplify his amazing art
I’ve no right to go insane
I’ve no right but just one
As his star will today wane
I must be that nurturing sun!
…
He always wanted to be cremated in an electric crematorium but Ma said No. She wanted him to be cremated on a proper pyre. So we did … somehow the process was extremely cathartic – while his body died his soul came alive in us … somehow the future didn’t seem as bleak …
And it is morning!
And the morning arrives!
Touching so many lives!
So many thoughts
So many dreams
Doors that open and
Sometimes closed it seems!
And the morning is ours!
Over every gloom it towers!
So many who’re dears
So many who care
People who’re transitory and
Sometimes an eternity share!
And the morning’ll succeed!
Just as God hath decreed!
So many transactions
So many re-takes
The world’ll doth belong
Always to he who self makes!
And the morning will so pass!
Like autumn leaves on the grass!
So many memories
So many hidden desires
Never shall we say die for
Sometimes something eternally transpires!
…
After a few days I started missing him – really missing him. It hurt!
Father I await thee …
Oh spirit of my father come enter my soul
Oh spirit of pure love come and make me whole
Oh spirit of spirits come my destiny control
Oh spirit together we’ll reach your hidden goal!
Come and we’ll reach joy beyond human reach
Come for the spirits beyond our journey do beseech
Come be my teacher and I’ll spread what you preach
Come for I’ve still to learn and you’ve so much to teach!
And soon all the past will have shed all its chains
And then even God will help destroy all constraints
And then together we’ll say ‘Aye’ and kill all the ‘Aints’
And the world will be awed by what our togetherness paints!
…
And a few days later I felt him by my side – with me, within me! It was momentarily joyous!
Messages from a father!
Finally I felt him give me a hug
Finally my pain even his soul did tug
Finally he rose from that grave that we dug
Finally the gap between life and death did we plug!
One day I shall stand tall in his hopeful eyes
One day my inner genetic potential shall arise
One day I shall be alive so that his spirit never dies
One day I shall be him and shed this disguise!
For to be his successor my soul is now sworn
For his sun may’ve set but I’ve to create a new dawn
For he’ll live through me wherever he may’ve gone
For I shall be that son that he dreamt when I was born!
…
One night extremely worried about some work related matters I dreamt of him – looking at me sternly and sadly – as if chained to my problems and troubled by them – and not free from me, this world and all our issues. That’s not how I had pictured baba in heaven … I wanted to see him smile, I wanted to see him free, I wanted him to simply shower his blessings and leave the rest up to us! Somehow I felt that my love for him – my desire to cling onto his every touch and feel and word was not letting him be free and he was continuing to suffer my travails …
I thought and fought with my self and possibly in the most difficult moment since his passing, I decided I had to let him go. I had to let him free. I had to let his soul fly where it will and be one with God. I just couldn’t chain him like this anymore …
Releasing him again …
Thank you for coming back but now you really must go
I know wherever you are your blessings’ll bestow
Yes it’ll destroy me to let go of your loving hand
But I won’t keep you chained to be my smile on demand!
And only when I’m empty can I fill with true love
Love that you’ll shower smiling from the heaven’s above!
Yes it’s true that I called you back to again be my sun
For I wondered who’d smile for the victories I’d won
But now I know that your love is eternal for sure
Depart dear beloved now I know how to endure
And every time my eyes close you’ll be my prayer
For no one can cheat us of the destiny we share!
God, I gift you my father, please look after his soul
Love him like we do and help us again be whole …
**
He lives in my heart and my soul and my being. I will never be alone and yet he is free …. I remembered something I wrote a while ago – thinking of my daughter and myself and thinking of baba and myself … Its all about eternal hope and bonding!
If I’m ever not there!
If I’m ever not there,
Don’t miss me too much,
I’ll always be near,
Within your memories touch;
If I’m ever not there,
Remember my passion and love,
Remember that my spirit,
Will be watching from up above.
If I’m ever not there,
Don’t ever lose heart,
For I’ve brought you up to win,
Even if we’re physically apart!
If I’m ever not there,
Don’t lose sight of your goal,
For I shall always be alive,
Within your eternal soul!
If I’m ever not there,
Make yr dreams come true,
For beyond me is God,
And yr among His chosen few;
If I’m ever not there,
Do honor my poetry,
For do know that your born,
To create dramatic history!
If I’m ever not there,
Never lose touch with God,
For its He that blessed our breed,
Such that even destiny was awed!
If I’m ever not there,
Smile and take this view,
That my absence is a blessing,
To help you build your future anew!
If I’m ever not there,
I’ll watch for ever and more,
Beyond this river of life,
On that eternal shore!
…..
The future is ever beckoning and I guess I’m just beginning to smile through my tears …
… and then a year passed ….
One year hence . . .
One year ago I had let go a hand
One that’d held me so firm and secure
But he had to travel to on another land
But he left me the courage and strength to endure ..
One year ago I had let go a life
One that was so esconsed in his love
And since that day I felt alone in my strife
And then I saw him caring from the heavens above!
One year ago I had let go a song
One that had nurtured me throughout these years
But he’d said that good times’d again come along
But I must have the gumption to eradicate my fears!
One year ago I had let go a God
One who was the epitome of ultimate good
And yet He’s beside me in every step I’ve trod
And I travel on to eternity this secret understood!
So . .
One year ago I had let go my belief
One year hence I now realize lost powers
For I envision my future and even tears bring relief
For every father eternally his blessings so showers!
…
… and for a few days I was indeed quite sad … then suddenly a huge crisis hit me at work and I struggled and struggled and really missed Baba … and as always his memory helped me rise and face adversity and overcome!
Communing with Dad!
Surprised tears rolled down my cheeks
In the memory of the man who gave me life
Perhaps they’d waiting these past few weeks
While I battled in his honor life’s defining strife!
His hands reached out and touched my own
As he stood by my side in the darkest hours
Gently he said, ‘Son you are more than a clone
These steps you must climb afore your destiny towers’!
His eyes full of courage thus urged me on
As he fuelled my passion revived my soul
A father never leaves even after he’s gone
And as we toil we honor and make him whole!
This melancholy moment so made me wonder
So real so loving that he really was there
It doesn’t matter what happens in the yonder
A father never leaves never relinquishes his care!
In darkness and joy, in love and in war
In the moments when our souls honesty do court
God slightly opens heaven’s ultimate door
And a loving soul reaches out a loved one to support!
So arise each son with courage and strength
Arise for eternity beckons from the beyond
And inherit the world never minding labor’s length
As always supported by that eternal loving bond!
…
And yet I think of him and yet some questions remain … he isn’t there for me to ask but I believe our souls are still connected and so someday somewhere I’ll get answers …
Tell me dad …
… (a strange insecurity) …
Did you love me when you were young,
When I was a baby barely able to walk,
Tell me for my memory’s jury’s hung,
I wanted to say so much but I barely could talk!
Did you consider me when you were strong,
Or was I child only fit for an ignore,
Did you care when you forgave each wrong,
Or was it an escape from a child’s bore …
Tell me dad for I worshipped your each step,
I adored every word that you never spoke,
Your every action my life did pep,
But I wondered if I exist when every morning I awoke!
Oh when you were weak I stood by your side,
I stood so tall that even your weakness may rise,
Oh I stood by you till the day that you died,
But I never knew where I stood in your esteem’s size!
I tried dear dad I tried so very hard,
I know that you smiled but did it stem from your heart,
Or was it a sign that you let down your guard,
I was your dear son but did I honor your art?
Forever and more will I live with this doubt,
Forever I shall wear the cloud of a query,
Tell me dad for I can’t live with a pout,
Tell me before of this question I grow weary!
Did you love me dad as you knew that I do,
Did you consider me that son forever your worth,
Tell me for I’m sworn to be forever so true,
Tell me for in your honor I shall inherit your Earth!
And even if I don’t I’ll still be your real son,
Even if you’re silent I’ll still know that you cared,
For I’ll dedicate to you every victory I won,
And I’ll succeed by merely the memories we shared …
**
BUT … Life goes on and on … It does!
… and finally I wrote this and closed this chapter …
A time to pass . .
There comes a time sometimes on this Earth
When one’s fulfilled all the promises of birth
And those that aren’t seem relevant no more
And a light so beckons through a crack in some door . .
That’s when one suddenly hears a call from beyond
That’s when one must form a completely new bond!
And so at such times while it’s a difficult choice
One must heed that innermost that truest voice
Progeny now strong must now fend on their own
And while they shall hurt hearts as heavy as a stone
Yet every spirit that day must abdicate its mass
And so one day one must so decide to pass . . .
This life after all is truly merely on His loan
So children so walk the path parents have shown . . .
Their memories forever yet stay alive and strong
Always so touching always singing along
God made us so fickle for its good for our race
As each new life evolves in each past life’s place!
. . .
I still miss him. Everyday. Love you Baba